Ruminations on Sexuality Part 3: Shadows

The sad truth is that something that feels so wonderful as sex and connects two people in such a beautiful way is often twisted into perverted distortions that can harm a person for life. Wishing to heal and celebrate as I move toward my surgery, I first have to mourn.

Because it is vital to the continuation of life on this planet and it unites souls intimately, sex is associated with love. We want to see the act as a healthy expression of joyful caring and commitment between two lovers.

In the pursuit of that love, and because it just plain feels so good, the dance between strangers begins across the room (now adays often across the internet), a courtship of rituals designed to create safe boundaries for exploration. When attraction is strong, the dance might be short before clothes are shed and the embrace electrifies. Sometimes it takes an exquisite amount of tantalizing time and patience.

In perfect scenarios, the mutuality of courtship creates a sparkling and precious bond that makes life worth living. The dazzle of discovery and consummation—if only for a night or a lifetime—burns brightly in the heart ever after.

There are times, however, when the lust of one does not equal another and if it happens at all, the ultimate meeting is dis-jointed, awkward and uncomfortable, painful and disappointing. What seemed like perfection is tarnished by the reality of every day hardship or roses that turn out to have too many thorns.

Unfortunately, much too often, the mutual respect is not part of the agreement at all and one takes advantage of the other. This sometimes can be in the form of a woman—often described as the “weaker sex”—using her body to man-ipulate her target by the gift or withholding of her sex.

Mostly, it is a man (or men) dominant and aggressive, forcing will over seductive attraction who will have his way no matter the protest, resistance or resignation of his victim. Too many perversions have been invented by tortured souls to be worthy of description, the point being that lust, anger and frustration can combine in a perfect storm of brutish behavior that gives shame to our gender.

History has witnessed innumerable ways that power and domination have forced unspeakable transgressions on women too vulnerable with only screams to defend themselves against rape and emotional pillage. In a war lasting thousands of years, men have surrendered their honor using their tool for love as a weapon for destruction of masses.

Individually, at the hearth of a home, husbands (often under the influence of alcohol) desecrate and de-sanctify their marriages both Godly or convenient, forcing themselves upon a wife they see as property, some thing owed to them. Date rape is common and women are viewed as objects, tools to meet a man’s satisfaction. Heartless cruelties abound.

Research begins to clarify that so often these crimes stem from the residue of some childhood abuse inflicted by a tainted adult, vicious cycles passing through generations of pain. Wounds that never heal create more wounds as men mistake lust as an outlet for pain they cannot identify within themselves, finding no relief in their mindless actions and causing only more pain.

These perversions of sexuality make us all cautious, painting fear on a canvas that should be resplendent with colors of joy. A universal shame settles upon us and the subject that should be celebrated becomes taboo, something whispered about and explored behind closed doors. Beautiful feelings are judged as something to hide.

As a young boy, growing aware of my body and the pulse of blood that made my heart race and my penis expand with pleasure, standing comfortably emboldened was not appropriate. The messages came quickly and clearly to cover myself and move out of the light and into the shadows. Even as she tried to say it was natural, the tone of my mother’s voice was most definitely uncomfortable and my father was not around to speak at all.

This energy, I quickly learned, was nothing to share. If I should feel it at all, it should be in a room alone.

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