Perseverance

A lot of advice comes my way these days that so soon divorced I should spend time alone and independently. Once married for twenty years, now twice divorced, lessons are available to be discerned. I should allow time and space for the real me to gracefully emerge.

In these eighteen months of separation, after an immeasurable time of emotional disconnection and dissolution, I approached these yellow pages with a fervor to describe to myself the process of transformation that had begun within me. Retreating to a man’s cave, I became immersed in a renovation, repairing with my hands what could not be done in my heart. Alone at the end of each day, late into the night, the enticement of guitar, long packed away and ignored, reasserted itself and I could sing with a new voice matured. My scribbles brought new life to old dreams, and instead of fiction—making up stories to represent emotions I had not felt—in uploading the scribbles, blogging became a platform to share the raw footage of a life rebuilding.

In different ways, I have flirted with lust and experienced a glimpse of what an exquisite love connecting souls might feel like. My heart is both protected and wide open, willing apparently to take a risk against all caution, and able to suspend its beat temporarily as the intensity might dictate. Since we are defined in so many ways by the amount of romance in our lives, being such vital pieces of the whole, I might willingly describe the fragrance of some of these stories, yet because such intimacies involve the details of others, I have not found the vocabulary to share the universal lessons learned in my own humble tale.

Likewise, the relationship just ended, so simultaneously inclusive and exclusive, both ecstatic and destructive (to selves, each other and our children), has a profound influence on so many present thoughts and behaviors, urging the revelations and compelling, at the same time, a respectful silence. Some of what requires processing is better done alone or within the haven of certain select confidants.

These issues truly are the crux of my existence these days, making it difficult to muster words to a blog whose unintended purpose has been perhaps fulfilled. A marriage has been ended, reconnections with most of my children are well-established and prosper weekly. I balance on the slippery edge of a new life, sometimes peering into futures of potential disaster and despair, most times inspired by creativity, the passions of personal expression and a new job.

My emotions are tender, sometimes raw and exposed, others withdrawn and healing. I have emerged from my cave, seeking life in all of its wonders and frustrations, aware that it can be painful, encouraged by the patches of brilliant sunshine as clouds begin to dissipate. My voice is rising, even if for weeks at a time it makes no sound on this page.

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