Friday, July 24, 2009

Tender in the Night

Just recently I have been working on a new song that includes the line “Doing what it takes to get us through the night”. This was with no idea that within a few days I would be lying awake in the darkness, eyes riveted open and heart clutched with an aching fear.

Perspective at 3 AM, for me, tends to be askew. Reality is obscured by the delusional and seductive. Potent dreams may rise, looming with as much certainty as predictions of the sun’s imminent dawning. More often, it is the fear of disastrous outcomes that keeps me from the sleep I more and more desperately crave.

In the next room on this night, I can hear the mumbled voice of my son, whispered and ecstatic in the discovered mutual wonder of companionship explored via modern technology. Their new world is marvelous and intoxicating; completely devoid of the terror that keeps me awake.

The new part-time job that promised to settle me into an era of creative stability has been just as quickly yanked out from under. My understanding that the Universe had at last provided me with a modicum of abundant support for my dreams of writing and music tonight seems brutally shattered.

I stare at the pieces scattered and wonder what can Spirit possibly have in store for me as a lesson to dangle such hopes before me and then deny the experience. If we are only delivered what we can handle, then why am I blessed to be able to handle so much? Just as quickly as I feel sorry for myself, I recognize there are those who bear much greater burdens. Still, at this strange hour, it is all too easy to lament over the wondering question of “What, dear God, is wrong with me?!”

Where I believed I was adjusting well to learn the needs of my employers, it turns out the fit was not at all satisfactory to them during this probationary period. Without the benefit of negotiation and readjustment, I was simply escorted to the door. Certainly one is allowed to surround themselves with compatible personalities. Having made that choice for myself and committed whole-heartedly to the job, it is now devastating to feel rejected.

Although my view is distorted by need and humility in this late/early hour, I thought I was adapting well enough to an environment that encompassed so many aspects alien to how I have worked before. The office structure was becoming routine and the biggest challenge of my duties was staying alert in the somnambulant early afternoon stuffy summertime hours. The promise of more intriguing projects within the scope of the business made the transition exciting.

Be that as it may, the opportunity has vanished and necessity forces a rapid re-alignment of the re-aligning values, priorities and lifestyle already in progress. In this darkness, I stare at a ceiling invisible, tumbling as if head over heels, wondering how my feet will land, my body aching from so many previous crashes.

The weariness distorts sensibility, but unsure of how to spend the coming day, sleep will not enfold itself around my panicked brain. The mumbling joyful voice in the next room is over-powered by the raging internal cries of self-doubt and consternation within. Every option floated is thwarted by a thousand nay-saying arguments circling as relentlessly as the first chirps of birds outside awakening the dawn.

Answers will eventually come, and in the meantime, I must assert my authority as parent, urging us both to relinquish to sleep our various stimulations.

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Hayden Tompkins said...

Oh, that is ROUGH. Do you have a friend in the office who can give you the low down? Did they tell you anything specific? No, of course not. Forget I asked the question.


Laurie said...

The last job I had before I began my business was similar. I was told I would not be returning to the position and I was not a match. I still cry over the wounds that occasionally bleed. This kind of thing has a way of beating your confidence and self worth down. But go back and construct a list of the things you know about yourself. Your talents, your special qualities, the things that make you Kip. Then when you are doubting or feeling blue, go to those qualities and know they are true and real. I have had to do that when the thoughts of not being a fit, pounded my head and forced its way into my thoughts. It helps. Also know that others don't like some people because of their own issues that have nothing to do with the person being rejected. It doesn't make moving on any easier but there is some peace in knowing you have been collateral damage.

Hang in there. There is a reason for this.