Friday, January 23, 2009

Career Counseling

At my interview for the job as bookkeeper of a construction company, they said it was a real testament to the gloom of the times to review the quality of people applying for this humble position.

In my transition to a new and more stable life, this seems like the perfect job, the Universe supporting me with some modest abundance at last. The company is larger, but very similar to the one I once ran. The drop off the plank would feel more like a step than a leap with an orientation period so simple, nearly unnecessary.

I advocated strongly that my experience would gain them so much more than a book keeper. Assurances were emphasized that the details of the part-time duties were not at all a danger of boredom, but a meditation, in fact; a satisfying routine to keep my feet on the ground while my head played in the cloudy visions of writing and music during the rest of the week. I stressed a steady paycheck, no matter how modest, would win the day.

They, in turn, agreed that while the overwhelming number of applications was full of highly qualified counters, I was unique in my skills, intriguing in potential, and alone in gender. The first of four candidates to be actually interviewed, I was ready to close the deal, and allowed myself two weeks to envision myself settled in this new work.

Alas, now it has been three, and one week since they ran their recommendations before their board for approval. I fear someone else already sits in that chair I thought was mine.

My disappointment is larger than just missing out on a good opportunity. So unused to the concept of being unemployed, my bones rattle with the fear of how to survive. While a few small jobs hover before me, my will to hammer and saw is so tattered and strained, I can hardly move out the door. Conversely, the few listings that merit any reaction require such a stretch of understanding to consider me qualified, it is a leap of faith far less likely than the one I just attempted.

So I have “Let go, let God” in such a huge way in this last year, transforming nearly every aspect of my life. I have embraced total responsibility for the pain my chaotic decisions had been inflicting on myself and those who depended upon me. I have relinquished nearly all I have not earned and make restitution for the rest as best I can. My heart remains open, my spirit, though faltering at times, stands ready.

What does the Universe have in mind?

This job seemed such a great solution. The fog of uncertainty that lies beyond appears so terrifying and impossible to penetrate. There is little comfort in being told we are not challenged beyond our capacity, so like the Biblical Job, I wail.

Then I get to work.

Today, I emailed four new applications for jobs completely out of my comfort level, but within my sphere of confidence that I could manage projects of any kind and communicate skillfully. I contacted numerous clubs presenting musicians for paying gigs. I studied the world to uncover possibilities I cannot imagine.

And finally, I opened the door to our local newspaper and spoke to editors there. Given the context of the digital world of instant information that has overtaken their business, they understand the finality of the days upon them, but we also recognize that there are still those who were raised to start their day with a cup and a paper alive in their hand. For now, I will be a featured blogger on their website, and the door remains open that essays might soon be translated to print for a paycheck.

Small steps forward into the fog.

Please share with your friends


Hayden Tompkins said...

Oh, Kip, this is FABULOUS!!

Laurie said...

God promises a lamp for our feet, not a flashlight into the future. Continue trusting in God, seeking him first above anything else. I have been where you were, feeling like Job. Actually I wondered if I might be Job's first set of children that were crushed to death by Satan. Be Job, cry out. God does hear you Kip. He promises to use your pain for good. He may be bringing you down this path to teach you something, to get you somewhere, to have you meet someone or who knows what else. But know God has a purpose and you will be better for having made the journey. I heard one time, when you can't trace his hand, trust his heart. You are not traveling this alone, Kip. Not now, not ever!

laughingirl said...

I just listened to your updated version of Perpetual Motion with my new speakers. Wow! You slowed it down, I think, which makes it more powerful & the harmonies add to that feeling, too.